Been thinking about my friend Becky. She is dying of cancer. She is slipping fast. My heart goes out to her.... She is going through so much right now ...more then I am for sure. I wish I had her strength. She told another friend of mine that she thinks she is dying now. She has even called Hospice. Sharon said she is laying on the couch drenched in sweat. The trailor she is in does not have AC and it was extremely hot yesterday. I pray. that is all I have to offer but prayer is powerful. I know it won't save her but hopefully it will help opent he gates of Heaven for her. Been thinking a lot about friends who have passed. Steve Rapier. Super guy. super dad. super teacher.... he died all because a mosquito bit him? what are the odds? God works in mysterious ways and maybe he is just collecting those that he truly wants by his side right now.... or maybe they needed Him right now? Julie. Another friend who has passed. In perfect health...ran every day and boom...died of an anurism. Life is too short.
Today is another day. Let all my failings from yesterday be just that....in the past and please guide me to be a better mother, nana, sister, friend, and teacher today. I love my family and I am placing my complete faith in You, God. Be with us all and guide us today. :)
Lucy
I have been overweight for over half my life. The thin person inside of me is screaming to be let out but my obsession with food won't let it. This is my journey to become healthy again before it is too late.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
FAIL!
It has been quite some time since I was on here...and I can tell you why. I've been sitting holed up in my house feeling sorry for myself. Caroline put it to me straight though... she said... "Mom, you need to stop blaming everyone else for your weight problem." At first I was like... NO I don't.... but after calming down...and rereading my posts... she is right! I've blamed everyone from my kids to my job...to Toby! Good GRIEF! Grow up Lucy and take responsibility for your own life!!!!
New set of goals and rules:
1. Put God first and make time every day to pray. He is the One who will guide me in the right direction.
2. Let my children grow up. Stop hovering. Let them live their lives as they should be doing and stop begrudging them the amazement in the world that is out there for them to explore. Let them spread their wings and really fly and have faith that I instilled in them some of the good that mom and dad instilled in me.
3. EAT breakfast and log every morning. WEIGH in daily so that not one single ounce can creep up on me.
4. NO EXCUSES to pig out. for instance... well the kids are back so I'll just eat. ummm NO! THEY do NOT have weight problems.... I DO!
5. Drink water and cut the soda back out of my life.
6. STOP sneaking eating and then pretending you haven't done it. CHEATER!
7. Get happy again.
8. It WILL come off once I do all of these things... oh yes, and journal every day the food I eat in my journal.
THERE. this can be done. I'm right back where I started which is sad. I'm fat, miserable, and no one to blame but me. Here we go again... (I'm soooo sick of that song) lol
I can do this with the Grace of God's guidance.
Lucy
New set of goals and rules:
1. Put God first and make time every day to pray. He is the One who will guide me in the right direction.
2. Let my children grow up. Stop hovering. Let them live their lives as they should be doing and stop begrudging them the amazement in the world that is out there for them to explore. Let them spread their wings and really fly and have faith that I instilled in them some of the good that mom and dad instilled in me.
3. EAT breakfast and log every morning. WEIGH in daily so that not one single ounce can creep up on me.
4. NO EXCUSES to pig out. for instance... well the kids are back so I'll just eat. ummm NO! THEY do NOT have weight problems.... I DO!
5. Drink water and cut the soda back out of my life.
6. STOP sneaking eating and then pretending you haven't done it. CHEATER!
7. Get happy again.
8. It WILL come off once I do all of these things... oh yes, and journal every day the food I eat in my journal.
THERE. this can be done. I'm right back where I started which is sad. I'm fat, miserable, and no one to blame but me. Here we go again... (I'm soooo sick of that song) lol
I can do this with the Grace of God's guidance.
Lucy
Monday, May 16, 2011
Worst day ever
Had one of the worst days ever yesterday. Caroline and I were in a huge fight. I don't even know where it began but it ended with her telling me she hopes she is never a mom like me and she didn't talk to me the rest of the day. what did i do? i ate.. and ate and ate and ate. I'm up 2 pounds today now. who do I blame? me.
I wish I could express myself better.. I say things and they come out all wrong and it hurts people. I was trying to explain to caroloine how she wraps herself up in her boyfriends and then winds up not having friends..what came out was.. you have no friends. nice moml...real nice. i don't think i'd want a mom like me either.l I mean really... i'm divorced because my ex cheated on me. my kids don't answer my phone calls. i'm reallly all alone and it hurts. i lash out because i'm scared but how do i tell my children that? i latch on and annoy the hell out of them when they do let me in. I live to see jaci .. i live for a quick movie with my girls so i can look over at them and see they are actually enjoying being with me for once. i want them to be happy......but i also want that for myself as well. i'm sad, lonely and very afraid. i'm supposed to be the one they can come to but how can i be if i'm not the person i want to be for them? i need to work on me... not just my weight but my fears, my lonliness, my sadness, and my communication with them. i love them so much it hurts.
God, please help me through this day. I think I will need it desperately.
Lucy
I wish I could express myself better.. I say things and they come out all wrong and it hurts people. I was trying to explain to caroloine how she wraps herself up in her boyfriends and then winds up not having friends..what came out was.. you have no friends. nice moml...real nice. i don't think i'd want a mom like me either.l I mean really... i'm divorced because my ex cheated on me. my kids don't answer my phone calls. i'm reallly all alone and it hurts. i lash out because i'm scared but how do i tell my children that? i latch on and annoy the hell out of them when they do let me in. I live to see jaci .. i live for a quick movie with my girls so i can look over at them and see they are actually enjoying being with me for once. i want them to be happy......but i also want that for myself as well. i'm sad, lonely and very afraid. i'm supposed to be the one they can come to but how can i be if i'm not the person i want to be for them? i need to work on me... not just my weight but my fears, my lonliness, my sadness, and my communication with them. i love them so much it hurts.
God, please help me through this day. I think I will need it desperately.
Lucy
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Day two with my new journal...
So far so good! haha it' only been a day! buttttt I amwriting everything down! I even wrote down a dum dum sucker I popped into my mouth. I gave it a whole point.
so frustrated... I was working on an IEP and lost connection which means, I lost my IEP. UGH! WHY!!!???!!!! I wanted to go to the TMP Play today and now I won't get to. NOT FAIR!
a 5th grade teacher wants me to take one of her students today and make him read while they are at the play.. ummmm NO! I'm NOT a babysitter and that isn't for my class. I don't want my room to known as the bad room. That's not fair to me. So I'm sorry but no.
Well... I have lunch planned out and written down so it's all good for now. Keep the faith!!!!
Lucy
so frustrated... I was working on an IEP and lost connection which means, I lost my IEP. UGH! WHY!!!???!!!! I wanted to go to the TMP Play today and now I won't get to. NOT FAIR!
a 5th grade teacher wants me to take one of her students today and make him read while they are at the play.. ummmm NO! I'm NOT a babysitter and that isn't for my class. I don't want my room to known as the bad room. That's not fair to me. So I'm sorry but no.
Well... I have lunch planned out and written down so it's all good for now. Keep the faith!!!!
Lucy
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
It's HERE! My new WW month journal is here!!!
I got it in the mail last night! I'm so excited. I was going to wait until Monday to start but why?? I started today! Just makes me feel like I am DOING something. It's got a week's goals.... daily food log.. daily exercise log.... etc. I love it! I'm going to carry it with me always so I have to write down every little morsel I put in my mouth!!! everthing counts!!!! I so want to lose weight. I just really do. I need to will power and stamina to do it. Today after school I will pick up some groceries. :)
I just found out that former student of mine, Kenny Casida, took his life yesterday. How sad. He was always a nice young man who just wanted to be accepted. He was a little overweight and I think that hung over his head. I don't want to wind up like Kenny. Not wanting to live because of the way I look. I don't know if that was his case or not, but I'm sure it had a little to do with it. My heart and prayers go out to him.
on a good note.... my FENCE is UP and it looks fantastic!!!!!!! can't WAIT for Jaci to see it!
Lucy
I just found out that former student of mine, Kenny Casida, took his life yesterday. How sad. He was always a nice young man who just wanted to be accepted. He was a little overweight and I think that hung over his head. I don't want to wind up like Kenny. Not wanting to live because of the way I look. I don't know if that was his case or not, but I'm sure it had a little to do with it. My heart and prayers go out to him.
on a good note.... my FENCE is UP and it looks fantastic!!!!!!! can't WAIT for Jaci to see it!
Lucy
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Down a pound...
Down a pound since Monday. I need to be down wayyyy more and I need to stay focused!! I don't want to wear a TENT for my daughter's big day and I surely do not want her to be totally embarrassed of me!!! I need to kick this in the butt!!!!
)()(()^&*^%$^*&&*&^&*)&*(&**&%$$#@#%$^*&(_
There is my butt kickin! haha ohhhh looks like I evenmight have acccidentally created someone's website but i wouldn't click on it if i were you! it was by accident but i think it's funny!
Beautiful day outside. STAY FOCUSED!
Lucy
)()(()^&*^%$^*&&*&^&*)&*(&**&%$$#@#%$^*&(_
There is my butt kickin! haha ohhhh looks like I evenmight have acccidentally created someone's website but i wouldn't click on it if i were you! it was by accident but i think it's funny!
Beautiful day outside. STAY FOCUSED!
Lucy
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
too long
It has been too long since I wrote on here. We all know what that means... it means I have fallen off the wagon. I can feel the weight creeping back on me like a fast growing tumor. I hate the feeling. I can no longer sleep at night. I toss and turn. My hands fall asleep again... my knees hurt 3x as much as before and I fall asleep easily. Yes, I have fallen and fallen hard.
Today I bid on, and won, a 3 month WW journal. I hope to get it in the mail by Friday. I want to be healthy and WW worked for me befoer but I was attending meetings then. I cannot do that now because I teach GED on Monday nights. Plus I cannot afford it.
Yesterday I ate a salad over at Vanessa's. It was the BEST salad ever. I forgot how much I do love salads!!! I need to have one a day I think!!! I brought a Lean meal today for lunch. The salt isn't the greatest for me but at least it is portion controlled. Until I can learn to control myslef, I will be forced to eat premade.. preportioned meals. :/
well.. no news on the school front yet. I am still hoping and praying for a full time job. It's starting to scare me because it's already May and no news. .. ..
It is beautiful outside so I'm adjusting my attitude to go right along with this wonderful day!
bin Laden is dead... I'm happy and frightened all at once. God, Please watch over us!!!
Lucy
Today I bid on, and won, a 3 month WW journal. I hope to get it in the mail by Friday. I want to be healthy and WW worked for me befoer but I was attending meetings then. I cannot do that now because I teach GED on Monday nights. Plus I cannot afford it.
Yesterday I ate a salad over at Vanessa's. It was the BEST salad ever. I forgot how much I do love salads!!! I need to have one a day I think!!! I brought a Lean meal today for lunch. The salt isn't the greatest for me but at least it is portion controlled. Until I can learn to control myslef, I will be forced to eat premade.. preportioned meals. :/
well.. no news on the school front yet. I am still hoping and praying for a full time job. It's starting to scare me because it's already May and no news. .. ..
It is beautiful outside so I'm adjusting my attitude to go right along with this wonderful day!
bin Laden is dead... I'm happy and frightened all at once. God, Please watch over us!!!
Lucy
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)