Had one of the worst days ever yesterday. Caroline and I were in a huge fight. I don't even know where it began but it ended with her telling me she hopes she is never a mom like me and she didn't talk to me the rest of the day. what did i do? i ate.. and ate and ate and ate. I'm up 2 pounds today now. who do I blame? me.
I wish I could express myself better.. I say things and they come out all wrong and it hurts people. I was trying to explain to caroloine how she wraps herself up in her boyfriends and then winds up not having friends..what came out was.. you have no friends. nice moml...real nice. i don't think i'd want a mom like me either.l I mean really... i'm divorced because my ex cheated on me. my kids don't answer my phone calls. i'm reallly all alone and it hurts. i lash out because i'm scared but how do i tell my children that? i latch on and annoy the hell out of them when they do let me in. I live to see jaci .. i live for a quick movie with my girls so i can look over at them and see they are actually enjoying being with me for once. i want them to be happy......but i also want that for myself as well. i'm sad, lonely and very afraid. i'm supposed to be the one they can come to but how can i be if i'm not the person i want to be for them? i need to work on me... not just my weight but my fears, my lonliness, my sadness, and my communication with them. i love them so much it hurts.
God, please help me through this day. I think I will need it desperately.
Lucy
I have been overweight for over half my life. The thin person inside of me is screaming to be let out but my obsession with food won't let it. This is my journey to become healthy again before it is too late.
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