why is it that I give my all only to give UP every single time? I can't blame anyone but myself. It's all up to me yet I find reasons to fail. I need to change my blog to I'll give you 6 good reasons! Vanessa is going to have a baby!!! Maybe this is just what I need to get refocused on becoming healthy!?!!! I am so absolutely excited for the new grandbaby!!!!
so ok... here is what's been going on...
last night I went out with my friends. didn't have fun. I felt uncomfortable in my body. my knees hurt, i was bloated... my head even hurt a little. all the while I kept thinking... boy i'm by far the fattest person in his place. my friends don't care but i know they would like to see me healthy. they have stopped asking me to do things with them... just few and far between now. and that's ok with me because that means i can sit at home, eat, and feel sorry for myself. AH! I think I may have finally broke though. I got on facebook only to see a picture of Jenny with Jaci ( in the halloween outfit I helped buy for her) and I won't even get to see Jaci on halloween. it made me angry and very hurt. i know i shouldn't be bitter but that woman went after a married man and told me that she didn't care what happened to me or my family and here she is trying to BE a huge part of the family she came in between. I'm sure God hasn't forgiven her for that, nor Damien. Vanessa seems to have forgiven her and Damien so I need to make peace with that. I try... I fail. Much like my entire life ...
I've wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself. eating myself to an unhealthy state. I used to be that girl who got up and ran in the mornings. Walked to most places... and worried that the pepperoni's on a pizza were too greasy so better not get them. now? now I eat extra pepperoni's and lay around and do nothing. I need to do more before it is too late. today HAS to be that day. it just HAS to be. I can't live like this anymore. With hatred in my heart, with regrets, with feeling like I am less then a person, being morbidly obese. I need to make the change and simply writing about it isn't the answer, i need to DO something about it. But I also need to write my feelings down here so i don't carry them with me every day. God, please grant me the courage I need. I've failed so many times before. I can't fail again. I am scared that time is running out.. I feel my body shutting down. I want to LIVE. I have so much to live for! PLEASE HELP ME!
I have been overweight for over half my life. The thin person inside of me is screaming to be let out but my obsession with food won't let it. This is my journey to become healthy again before it is too late.
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