Been a while!

Wow! been a while since i've written.... i'll try to catch you up! Went to Wichita and had a wonderful time with my girls. I loved every second of it and they were gorgeous trying on dresses! and Mindy...... oh WOW! She looked amazing in her dress. When she walked out, I knew it was the one!!! Simply gorgeous!!! We had fun just hanging out. ATE WAY TOO MUCH and wound up GAINING 2 pounds!!!! NOT GOOD. I'm back on track though.... I have noticed that I'm eating out again! WHAT? When did I start that??? I need to STOP again before I gain all my weight back! I made my famous pot pies and brought one to work today. They are so darn yummy! Can hardly wait until noon! haha I only brought one instead of two like I usually do because Vanessa said something yesterday that kind of 'clicked' in my head. She said..."Why would people order 3 tacos and not just one? I bet back when, they only ate one and that is why they were thinner". SMART GIRL... why do we think we need to eat so darn much? When I buy the WW meals there is only one small helping yet when I make my own.. I give myself a much bigger helping. WHY? I will be more concious of that from now on. I need to remember to drink my water. I've been laxing on that and that is not good. I feel better when I drink the water. REMEMBER LUCY!!! Easter is fast approaching and that means one thing...the dreaded cadburry egg. ugh. I'm drawn to them like a fly to poop. hahah... I will most definitely try to refrain. :/ also fast approaching is April 6th. I dislike this day as much as I dislike February 16th. It will be two years on the 6th that I lost my mom. I miss her terribly every day but I know she and dad are both watching over me from an even better place. I feel them. It's a good feeling but I sure wish I could touch her and tell her I love her one more time. I miss that crazy little lady...

1.4 more!

I weighed in again on Thursday last week. I was a little hesitant because I had just weighed in on Monday and had lost 4 pounds, BUT when I weighed in again I had lost another 1.4!!! YAY

Now for the bad news.... I am so stressed at home that I even have a fever blister now! It looks like a huge THING on my lip. Hurts sooo bad. I am stressed not due to Toby or Caroline but because I feel that my life is spinning out of control. The State took my income taxes for a 'scholarship' that I didn't even receive! Now they say I owe them almost 5ooo more! If I don't start paying on THAT then they will get it deducted from my wages at school and how embarrassing would that be for me???? I need to call them. My little nest egg in the bank is dwindling FAST. We go to Wichita on Monday but I have to board my dogs and get a motel for two nights. Plus gas, eating..... etc. I need a 3rd job!!! BUT on the bright side... I do get to see my beautiful daughter try on the gown of her dreams! I cannot wait. I've been waiting for this day since the day I first held her in my arms!!!! Hopefully my mammoth THING on my lip will be gone by then!!!
Busy day here at school today so I better get a crackin!!!!
Stay strong!!!

a couple of things before bed....

First of all...... I DID IT! I made it the entire day FASTING! I did not put one little morsel of food near my mouth today! This has really got me thinking.... I can feel the pain in my stomache.... how must those little kids feel every day of their lives (the ones with no food, shelter, etc) My heart breaks for them!!! and...how did Jesus go for 40 days with no food? I am more in awe of Him then ever now. What He gave up for us!

2nd... Here is a pic of adorable Caroline modeling my wedding dress!! Still can't believe I was ever close to her size! ...and...hopefully one day I will figure out how to add pictures on here in the RIGHT spot! haha

3rdly.... I love my life. I love my girls. I am so Blessed to have them in my life! I look at them sometimes and my heart grows like the Grinch's! I love them so much! and Jaci...well she is the cherry on the icing on top of the cake!!! I love my job! Teaching means everything to me! Tonight I watched as my GED students started to light up when they figured out that they were SUCCEEDING! I hope a lot of them pass!

Now I'm off to bed before I stick something in my mouth and blow my FAST! God is Good!!!

The Lenten Season

Today is a day of Fast. I don't think, in the past, that I have ever truly fasted. I was reading about fasting....it makes so much sense! One one eats or gorges then they feel sluggish and their mind is not alert...but when one fasts...their mind becomes clearer...more keen to the senses. I want to fast today so that my mind becomes clear and I remember the REAL reason for this lenten season. It is all about our God and his goodness. I want to take this day, especially, to thank him for all that He has given to me. THANK YOU GOD FOR MY LIFE, MY FAMILY, AND ALL THE GOOD IN MY LIFE!
I am going to Ash Wednesday with Vanessa and Jaci. I was so happy she asked and that she found a time that would work for me! Having 2 jobs kind of cuts into my time pretty bad!! Caroline is going at 7 here in Ellis and Mindy said she is going to the Wesley chapel!!! THANK YOU MOM FOR GUIDING MY GIRLS BACK TO GOD! I know you had something to do with this!!!
Ya know...lent is a time of penance. My mom passed away during the Holy Week...so I wonder how much penance she did her last few weeks of life. I think she was in more pain then any of us realize. I keep thinking of the day I went over and she was laying half across her little bed. so uncomfortable. She looked so childlike laying there. so helpless. I remember when I pulled her back into place in bed how she said "you girls are so good to me". Mom.... if you only knew how i WISH i could change some of the things I did to you and dad. I know I was a kid but I think of those things daily and pray for your forgiveness! I love you and miss you and dad so much!!! I am dedicating this lenten season to you both....and to my girls. I haven't decided what to give up yet, but I will decide by this evening.
Diet looking decent... STAY STRONG!
Lucy

4.4 pounds down!

Well, so my scale at home is a bit off....and I'm not QUITE in the next weight bracket....but only .6 more to go and I am!!! I feel good. I feel better about myself. But then I catch a glimpse of me in a mirror and I'm still mortified!!! But then I think.... wow... I was over 20 pounds more back then... GAG!!! haha So, baby steps. I need to learn to love me again. :)
Caroline tried on my wedding dress last night. Funny how we think they are the most beautiful dress ever when we are married and then 20 years later..... not so pretty! haha It's hard to believe I was once Caroline's size!! WOW! Of course, she had spare room in the dress... but at least I was close to her weight at one time! lol I'll post pics later.
I should get back to writing this IEP. I may have a snow day tomorrow and that would REALLY put me behind!!!
Later! My lean cuisine spaghetti just dinged!!! ha

YESSsssSSSSsssSSSS!

Woke up this morning a hopped on the scale! I'm in the next lower WEIGHT BRACKET as I call it!!! wooohoooooooo This is just the ammunication and motivation I needed to not give up!!!! I know my scale at home isn't always exact so I know tomorrow when I really weigh in it may be two pounds off again but I hope not! and even if it is 2 pounds off..that still means I LOST!!! I feel like I've been at such a stupid standstill... I want MOVEMENT! I think eating the cereal has helped!!! Good idea Vanessa!!!
I have church today. I will make sure and thank God for this little movement and my happiness!!! He is Good!!!! Wish Boo would come with me but I want her to WANT to go to Church. Forcing someone is not what church is about. I'm so glad Vanessa and Jaci are going!!! I know mymom is smiling!!!! I don't know if I'll ever get Mindy back. I pray I do!
Gonna surprise boo and write her stinking paper. She puts things off...I shoulda helped her last night but after 2 1/2 hours doing my taxes, I was wiped out. ugh. But if i did them correctly, I will see a return! :)
so YAY me for today! It is going to be an awesome day!

ps. Caroline got me some new tanning lotion! I'm going to try it today!! yippee!!!!!!

Saturday Morning Post

The dogs are not on weekend time and decided to get up at 6:15 as usual so I decided to get a start on my day as well.
Hopped on the scale this morning with high hopes only to be let down. No movement. :*( There will be NO CHEATING today. I did well yesterday....but I did have a mixie with Vanessa but I'm sure that it was the cookies I snarfed when I got home. 5 of them to be exact! WHAT? WHY did I do that? I know why. I argued with Caroline and then felt bad so.....I ate. Good thing I had one drink in me and got tired fast cuz otherwise who knows what else I would have eaten!!!
Today I have lots on my plate:
1. eat breakfast (my usual egg whites)
2. wash my bedding
3. clean up my room
4. laundry in general
5. clean up dining room
6. watch some tv
7. cook up some chicken for quasadilla's tonight
8. lunch will be cereal
9. popcorn as a snack
10. drink lots of water
11. try to exercise in some way
12. stay positive

I have to remember my reason for wanting this. those reasons are: Mindy, Vanessa, Caroline, and Jaci. I want them to be proud of me. I have to say ....when I was at the bar with Vanessa last night she introduced me to some people as her mom. She didn't bat an eye. Maybe they aren't embarrassed of me, but I always thought they were! Why would I think that? I have wonderful girls and last night Vanessa proved that. I had so much fun with her. I want to do that again!! I loved her friend Junior! I can see why she is so happy now,... she is lit up again like she used to be! I love it.
I'm sad because I don't get to go to Wichita because my spring break is different then the girls'. BOO I was really looking forward to that! Mindy will be crushed. I just want to see her! I miss her terribly!!!
and Boo..... man we are arguing and I don't like that! It's all because of her stupid dog and her messes. She doesn't understgand that the furniture I have is what I will have for quite a while and she continues to destroy it with fingernail polish and bumping it with her computer which chips the wood.. so i yell. Maybe the real reason I am yelling is because she has decided to move to Virginia with her boyfriend and I am sad because I am losing my baby. I don't want her to go and I don't think it's a good move but I can't make her stay or I will lose her anyway. God give me strength!
Welp... I need to start doing something! Maybe even catch a little nap this morning too! Please let me see a loss this week!! I need some motivation!!!!

Oh Good Grief! I can't take Toby ANY MORE!

Oh Gosh! I got home today with good intentions on sticking to my diet...but then Toby and the house happened....

I get home and take the pugs out. since it was nice I thought I'd take Toby out too. What does he do? JUMPS off the porch and runs out into the street where he proceeds to bark and bark and bark at my neighbors.... meanwhile I run out there cuz i don't want him to get run over and here comes a car. The car sees me....not toby ..and stops... I try and try and try to get that little shit but he just keeps running in c ircles and finally under the car in the street. needless to say i looked like a deuce and no one helped me get him....took forever and i was fuming when i finally caught the little shit. I bring him and the pugs in and what does he do? walks over ..lifts his leg...and pees all over a dog toy. DAMN! and...then i see the house. my computer is on the living room table which i asked not be there because it scratches my table... but Caroline doesn't listen. 6 lights were left on..probably more if i look upstairs. the HEAT was on and it is friggin hot in here now (it's warm out today) and the spare room is a huge mess...the laundry room is a huge mess... my living and dining room are a huge mess..... towels all over the floor and yep, you guessed it....toby has peed on them.... drawes and cabinet doors open.. I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!! How do I make her undersgtand that by her not followig my rules and cleaning up after herself she is really going to sabatoge my diet because I WILL stress out and eat. and I truly HATE Toby now. ugh.
God, please give me strength!

New Day

Woke up this morning and tried to think of any reason to not work today. Almost called in sick. I'm so darn tired! having to teach til 10 pm and getting home late is taking its toll on me. ah! I wish USD 489 would pay me teacher salary so I wouldn't have to do this any longer!!! I will keep praying for that!!
So yesterday I was hanging at Vanessa's house and told her of my frustrations on the scale not moving.... she told me that I should try eating cereal for a change of pace... so I think today I will go over to her house and have some if she doesn't mind! I think it sounds like a great idea!!! Ill give it a try!!!
welp... i better get in the shower before I'm late for work! That would not be good!!! ha
KeeP strong Lucy!!!! You have to have the mindset and the faith to be successful!!!!! I can do it!!!

Will I ever....

be this girl again? I can't remember when I felt invincible.... I just want to be able to get up in the morning pain free. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed I hurt so badly.... I am tired of walking like I'm 85. Will the rest of my life be this painful? If so, I really can't take it. Just walking feels like my knees are going to collapse. I can feel the bones rubbing and it is so very painful! why did my life turn out like this? Maybe I deserve it. I don't know.
Anyway..... I'm keeping to my diet. Plugging away. I hope, I pray, I see a bigger weight loss. The scale is not moving and I'm becoming frustrated and this is when I give up. I can't give up. Too much is at stake. Please give me the strength I need to finish this long, hard journey!