November 6, 2011

B

Beautiful huh? NOT! I've GOT to get this weight off. My friend Stacey has lost over 20 pounds...and i? well I probably gained! WHY? because I don't try! I think that I need to lose weight to get the respect of my kids. I think they treat me badly because they don't respect me because I am fat. Much like store people...they treat me terrible because I am fat. soo....what is the underlying factor here? I am FAT! I need to get this show on the road! I am going back to eating the frozen dinners. It was easy. Only problem is the salt intake in them..but at least i was losing!!! I will do it until I can find something healthier to help me lose! Today I weigh my top weight. not pretty. 304.5. Yep I have gained. Next week I shall see a loss!!! I promise myself that! I can and WILL do this!

Wow... so much has happened....

why is it that I give my all only to give UP every single time? I can't blame anyone but myself. It's all up to me yet I find reasons to fail. I need to change my blog to I'll give you 6 good reasons! Vanessa is going to have a baby!!! Maybe this is just what I need to get refocused on becoming healthy!?!!! I am so absolutely excited for the new grandbaby!!!!

so ok... here is what's been going on...
last night I went out with my friends. didn't have fun. I felt uncomfortable in my body. my knees hurt, i was bloated... my head even hurt a little. all the while I kept thinking... boy i'm by far the fattest person in his place. my friends don't care but i know they would like to see me healthy. they have stopped asking me to do things with them... just few and far between now. and that's ok with me because that means i can sit at home, eat, and feel sorry for myself. AH! I think I may have finally broke though. I got on facebook only to see a picture of Jenny with Jaci ( in the halloween outfit I helped buy for her) and I won't even get to see Jaci on halloween. it made me angry and very hurt. i know i shouldn't be bitter but that woman went after a married man and told me that she didn't care what happened to me or my family and here she is trying to BE a huge part of the family she came in between. I'm sure God hasn't forgiven her for that, nor Damien. Vanessa seems to have forgiven her and Damien so I need to make peace with that. I try... I fail. Much like my entire life ...
I've wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself. eating myself to an unhealthy state. I used to be that girl who got up and ran in the mornings. Walked to most places... and worried that the pepperoni's on a pizza were too greasy so better not get them. now? now I eat extra pepperoni's and lay around and do nothing. I need to do more before it is too late. today HAS to be that day. it just HAS to be. I can't live like this anymore. With hatred in my heart, with regrets, with feeling like I am less then a person, being morbidly obese. I need to make the change and simply writing about it isn't the answer, i need to DO something about it. But I also need to write my feelings down here so i don't carry them with me every day. God, please grant me the courage I need. I've failed so many times before. I can't fail again. I am scared that time is running out.. I feel my body shutting down. I want to LIVE. I have so much to live for! PLEASE HELP ME!

Lapsed.....

As you can tell by no posts, I have lapsed. Why? because I gained that couple of pounds but instead of going full force to fix it, I layed down and took it. Well now i have more then just a couple of pounds to make up for. New month... so I figured, new start....again.
School starts in 16 days....Mindy's wedding is in a little over 3 months.... Time to do something!
I bought a recumbent bike... I love it. Gonna try getting up early to ride it eve4ry day. maybe thatwill motivate me to stay on task!!
Starting o0ut with 15 minute intervals... That burns almost 200 calories. That is better then nothing right??? I'll try to do more as time goes by...
Start GED again tonght. not looking forward to it but oh well. I don't have a choice!!! I need the money to pay back my student loans!!! I feel better now that I've called and made arrangements for it... it's gonna be a long hard haul....
Getting excited for my new position with Ellis! felt good being in the school... :)
Well today is a new day and a new start! Biking done... breakfast ready to be eaten!!!!
God, grant me the strength to finally do this!
Lucy

WTH?

I don't get or understand this! this morning I weighed and was UP over 2 pounds???? I did not cheat even one time yesterday!!! I even mowed so I was up moving?? WTH??? Ya see, it's days like today that I just want to say..wth and give up. I'm trying so blasted hard and then I see a gain ??? I ate WELL yesterday! Here was my food intake:
Breakfast: Mock EggMcMuffin
Lunch: 1 chicken pot pocket
1 ff chocl pudding with lite topping
Supper: Turkey burger and steamed potatoes
Snack: Popcorn

THAT IS IT!!! I still had like 14 points LEFTOVER!!!! so WTH went wrong????????????? I'm so frustrated and down this morning. Please God,help me to stay strong today because today is a day I may give up all hope again.... please help me!
Lucy

Week #2 Weigh In results: 4.7

didn't quite make my 5....but I will keep trying!!! so far the grand total is 7.4. wish it were ten but.... NO GIVING UP!!!

Today I mowed half of my lawn again. About KILLED me. of course it is over 100 degrees outside. yes, I am an idiot. Just lucky I didn't have a heart attack! I seriously could not do more then what I did... I was starting to feel dizzy. I came inside, took a shower, and almost passed out getting out of the shower!!! NOT GOOD! Actually scared me a little. I'm going to just take it easy for a little bit, drink some water and just relax and see if the feeling goes away.

Went to see Sawyer Brown with Vanessa last night! Truly enjoyed the concert!!! They were awesome! Made me buy in to the whole country music thing! lol

Tomorrow is a bbq at a friend's house. Not sure if I want to go. I'm always the fattest person there and it is embarrassing. Embarrassing for me because obviously if my friend was embarrassed of me she wouldn't be inviting me. She is a really nice person.... and might I add, beautiful. (inside and out) Maybe I will go...gets me out of the house. I just will go after the bbq and watch the fireworks and enjoy the company.... we shall see!

well, still feeling a bit on the dizzy side and it's been 45 minutes..... better go lay down and hydrate.....

STAY STRONG this week Lucy!! Go for the 5 pounds PLUS the missing couple of pounds from the first 2 weeks!! It can be done!!! God please give me strength for this tough journey I am on!

~Lucy

HG: Chicken Pot Pocket!!! (WW points: 2)

The HUNGRY GIRL 300 under 300 cookbook!!! I absolutely

love this book!! So many wonderful ideas that I never thought of before AND it gives you the calories, fat, and fiber per serving so it is EASY to convert it to WW points!! (that is what the book is made for actually!) What could be easier!!!!

Step by Step pictures of how to make these super EASY Chicken Pot Pockets!!!

1. The yummy stuffing! 2. Egg roll wraps and H2O! 3. Put 1/3 c. in center of each

4. Fold in sides and seal with fork

5. Place on sprayed cookie sheet and bake for 20 minutes!!!

THE FINISHED PRODUCT!!!

Just look at all that yumminess!!! haha and like I said.. only 2 points per serving!!!! Can't WAIT to try out more recipes!!!!!!!
~Lucy

Spicy Chicken Crunchtastic Supreme!!

I just HAD to share!!!! OMG! SOOOOOO GOOD!!!

This is the first recipe I tried from my Hungry Girl 300 under 300 cookbook! Everything in the book is 300 calories or less!!! YES!!! This is AMAZING and made me forget that I can't eat at Taco Bell anymore!!!! I love mexican food and now I can still enjoy it!! Just a new healthier way!!!!

~Lucy

June 30, 2011

I went to the movie with Vanessa yesterday and didn't buy A THING to eat!! It can be done apparently haha! I did, however, go out and eat at Taco Grande with her...but instead of my usual Sancho, I just got two small tacos. Grand total for points : 8. I shouldn't have eaten out but I did and I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I stayed within my points range yesterday so that is GREAT!!!

I made cinnamon candy and sent it to Caroline yesterday... I didn't read food coloring so I made it blue. Kinda creepy looking but I hope she enjoys it anyway! haha I sure miss her!

Here are a couple of pictures of what I had to eat yesterday....

Egg whites, onions, jalapenos, ff cheese, pepper and hot sauce! 1 point breakfast!!!!!!!

Black bean, chicken quasadilla!!!!!!

Ingredients are: chicken, black beans, ff cheese, onions, green peppers, jalapenos, and a tort. With salsa to dip in on the side of course!!! This was super fantastic and very filling! I have to say, staying on my diet with this kind of food is getting easier by the day!!!!!!

I may try to go downstairs to clean again today... I was going to mow but dang.. it's already almost 100 out!!! Stay strong, stay focused... I want to get my 5 pound loss this week PLUS a few that I didn't make last week! It can be done if I want it bad enough!!!!!

Lucy

June 28, 2011: Last Day of GED for the summer!

Yay! I'm excited and a little worried all at the same time!!! I'm ready for them to be over so I can have a little break...but also a little worried because now I will be HOME every day. This will be my true test. If I can focus and stay on track while at home then I know there is no stopping me!!! I will work outside more.... get my dang room cleaned.... go down into the 'hole' and get it done (with Vanessa's help), and get my new classroom set up. I have things to do. I just need to keep busy!!! This is the TRUE TEST!!! If I can get through this then I know I can do ANYTHING!! God be with me because I will need you and my two special angels now more then ever!!!! ~Lucy

Monday morning McMuffin

Breakfast today? Moc Egg McMuffin! Ingredients are: 1 light english muffin (1 pt), 1 slice FF cheese (1 pt), egg whites (0 points), 2 slices canadian bacon (1 pt ). So for 3 points total...you could have THIS for breakfast!!!

Pretty yummy looking huh? It's great for on the go too! The best part? it takes 2 minutes to whip up in the morning!

I'm hoping for a good day today. Yesterday was a bad day for me eating wise. I ate chinese.... yep.. I'm feeling the pain this morning and seeing the results on the scale and on my ankles. Not pretty.... On the UP side... my middle daughter, Vanessa, is now a Lady RAILER again! she is coaching Volleyball! I can't WAIT to go watch her in action again!!!!! The girls are lucky to be getting her!!!! So proud!

Not much else... 2 more days of GED then done for a month... I need the break... I'm so tired of it and the complaining....

Here's to a great day and staying focused on healthy decisions!!!!!!!

Lucy

Some of my awesome creations...

Salad! YUM! chicken, lettuce, tomato, onion, cucumbers, jalapenos and a smidge of cheese! So good! and check out the huge glass of water standing behind it!!! Good Choice!!!

Black bean and chicken quasadilla!! MMMMMmmMMM! green peppers, onions, jalapenos, cheese.... SO GOOD!

Last , but certainly not least... this yummy super delicious shake! What's in it? Glad you asked! 1 lowfat yogurt of your choice, frozen mixed berries, banana, and a dash of OJ! Blend and drink up!!! this drink is really filling too!!!!!! LOVE IT!!!

Tonight's 6 point supper!!! AMAZING~!

Believe it or not...this ENTIRE MEAL is worth only 6 WW points!! The turkey meatloaf is 4 points, the salad dressing on the salad is 1 point, and the steamed potato with Mrs. Dash on it is only 1 point! Pretty yummy huh? It's amazing what kind of meal you can make for yourself if you try!!! Go me!
Lucy

Week #1 Weigh In Results: 2.8 Loss

Why didn't I reach my 5 lb goal? There are a number of reasons. The number one reason being I just didn't try hard enough. I ate out. I ate wrong. I cheated. I'll post my weight ticker but I'm not too proud of it....

I was much happier last week when I posted because I seemed more focused. Well, time to get refocused!!! I need to make up for the 3.2 pounds I didn't lose this week PLUS my 5 for next week. That is a total of 8.2 pounds. A LOT... but I have a lot to lose! I will try!! VERY HARD!

I know the weekends are killing me without my girls here. It's hard but I need to get used to it! They have lives and they can't worry about what poor old mom is doing at home! Poor old mom needs to get focused and kick fats ass!!!!!

I'm headed to Stockton today to see if I can see my friend Becky. It may be the last time I get to see her. It's so sad. She is fighting for her life on something she won't win...cancer. I'm fighting for my life on something I CAN BEAT...obesity. Maybe seeing her and visiting with her is just what I need to remind myself how lucky I am.

It's also Katrina's shower today so I am looking forward to that! Well, good luck to me today....

Lucy

Wednesday.....hump day

I'm feeling the chips I devoured last night. Vanessa made wonderful turkey burgers and I should have stopped there but I also ate the potato chips. She didn't offer them, I just put them on my plate. I can feel the salt in my feet and fingers... not a great feeling. I must remember to abstain and learn to say NO THANKYOU. :) Lesson learned.

Today I am eating a lovely breakfast of eggwhites, green peppers, onions and one piece of canadian bacon all cut up... it tastes sooooo good. I'm going to try to have a couple of glasses of water drank too before I go teach. Today my class gets donuts. I hope they leave a few for Jaci but otherwise... eat them ALL. It's going to be hard but I know I can say no to them. Just not worth it. :)

Well.....not much else to report. Give me strength!!!
Lucy

Monday - June 20, 2011

Just found out that today is not the 19th but rather the 20th! Guess I lost a day of my life somewhere and don't know where! lol
Woke up feeling better this morning. I'm weighing myself daily but I'm saving the weight ticker for Saturday mornings... So no weight to report today! I'm hoping for a 5 pound loss but we will see!
I have one more full week of GED classes. I'm so tired of teaching them. The kids/adults are worse behaved then the little guys. We will see if any at all pass this time. I'm debating on just giving it up for good. I need a friggin break from it all I think!!! I'll see though cuz the money sure could come in handy for the wedding and next year's trip! food for thought....

Almost got my room cleaned... it's turning into a major task. Didn't realize just how much crap was pushed into my room when people came over!!! ugh!!!! I want my room back... I want to wake up to a beautiful clean room with just my stuff in it. One day soon that will happen! I think Vanessa said she may come over and finish mowing for me tonight. Hope so. I overdid it with my knees and I'm still in a lot of pain over it. We'll see if she isn't too tired from her trip to Wichita. I'd like to see Jaci though... maybe I can entice her with a salad?? lol

Well.... I better jump in the shower so I don't stink up the GED classroom today! I need to stay focused and eat healthy!!! It's up to ME!
That's it! ~Lucy

HUNGRY GIRL!!!!!

I'm so excited! Virgi bought a Woman's World magazine today at Walmart and she let me read it first. Well there was an story in it by a girl who lost 232 pounds in 16 months eating JUNK FOOD! Well not really junk food but it sure resembles it! She said she had tried diets time and time and nothing worked because you can only eat so many salads before you give up. "I hear ya! You are preaching to the choir there!" Well she got her recipes from Hungry girl. They looked delicious! So I went to the Hungry girl website...Hungrygirl.com ... there I found wonderful recipes but there was also a recipe book called 300 under 300. yes...300 recipes under 300 calories each!!! soooo I ordered it! It should be here by Wednesday! Can't WAIT to try some of the recipes!!! It says if you actually follow the recipes (which goes right along with WW...even gives points values!) then you are guarenteed to lose 15 pounds a month or around 5 pounds a week! JUST WHAT I WANTED TO DO!!!! I'm so excited!!!!!

and I also wanted to post my meals I had this weekend.... the first is Vanessa's recipe....

The first pic is the br rice, chicken, black beans, japs, onions and peppers that went inside of the tort (middle pic).. YUUUUMMMMYYY and only 6 points for what you are looking at in the middle pic!!!

The 3rd pic is a turkey burger with cheese (k,m,p,0) and a small potatoe that was steamed with Mrs. Dash... points for the entire meal? a mear 8 points... would have been only 6 points but I only had regular buns and not the one point one today!!!!

Daily total for points so far..... 16 used and 15 left.... so guess who gets a snack tonight during the new episode of Drop Dead Diva? ME!!!!!! Popcorn it is thank you! (1 point )

It was a very good day! Happy Father's Day Dad!!!! (virgi and I loved the green lantern and we had salads afterwards!)

Here is to a successful day!!!!!

Father's Day

Woke up this morning and my body aches. Couldn't find a good position to sleep last night. Kept waking up when I finally did fall asleep because the damn CARR brothers kept popping into my head. I kept dreaming I'd hear the doorbell and when I went to see who it was I could see the CARR brothers silhouettes outside of my door. Talk about panic. sooo not much sleep. I think I hurt mainly because I am depressed today. I miss my dad. Everyone's status is "see you later today dad" and "going to the lake with my dad" etc....and yes, I am jealous. I want to go back home and smell the grill cooking up hamburgers, see my mom whipping something up by the stove, and then see my dad walking up the back sidewalk, dollar store bags in each hand, as he always was doing on a picnic day. I can see his goofy smile and that one hand that never worked right holding the bags. my heart aches so much today. and the tears are unstoppable right now. How I wish I would have went home more often when I had the chance......
I love you dad. (and mom) I miss you both so much I can't even put it into words. I still call the home phone once in a while just in case...... I wish you were both here.
Lucy

It's time .....

I've been totally dreading this day but it's time I quit playing the "oh I don't weight that much game". Face it. I'm fat. I think I'm hiding my true weight from my girls by just not telling them how fat I really am but c'mon, they are not idiots and they have to have a pretty good idea of how much I weigh... I mean when your daughter has to explain you to someone as "she is a bigger lady".... well I know what I am talking about when I say someone is a bigger lady so hey Lucy...face facts and reality.....YOU ARE THAT BIGGER LADY!!! So, today here on my blog (and I know you 3 girls read this from time to time) I am going to be TRUTHFUL and actually post my current weight. Am I ashamed? Yes I am. Am I going to crawl in a hole and die? NO I am not. I am going to DO something about it. Once it is out there....there is no taking it back. So here it is... in black and white (well actually in a cute picture form because it makes me feel a LITTLE better about posting it).... my weight...

There it is.... FAT... no not fat.. OBESE. I can do this and I want to do this. I have a goal set for Mindy's wedding which is 5 pounds a week. That would bring me to my goal of 204. That isn't my end goal..just my goal for her wedding. It may not be doable but I'm really going to give it my best try. My girls deserve a healthier mom and little Jaci deserves a Nana who can run and play with her.

This was probably the hardest thing I've done in a long time. I've never actually put my weight out there for anyone to see.... it's hard admitting it.... but I also feel a little at peace knowing I'm not hiding anymore.

Please God, give me the strength today to follow plan and not cheat. and please Bless the Jacques family because it was a couple years ago today they lost a really great man, John.

Lucy

Lawn, knees, and other things....

Got up this morning and was down a pound! woohooo. so, that takes 3 pounds off my knees according to dr. alex. He said for every pound I lose, it's like taking 3 pounds off your knees. You are welcome knees! haha

Decided to try to mow. Even with my bad knees and especially my twisted right knee I was able to mow about 2/3 of my yard. I still have some in the back to go but I just can't physically do it right now. My heart is pounding so hard that I can see it through my shirt. My poor knee feels like rubber. I don't want to injure it further.... so I am taking a rest. I did have to re-mow half of my front yard. When I got done it didn't even look mowed so I lowered it alllll the way to the bottom. very short. re-mowed that half along with the other side front, side of my house and some of my bACK yard. even my poor arms feel numb. ugh. i hate being obese, out of shape, and old. i used to mow a complete cemetery by myself .... where is that girl??? i miss her!

anyway... gonna go have some water and relax....then make dinner. i'm thinking maybe try to make one of vanessa's chicken burritos. may have to go to the store for some of those white beans (i only have the black ones) and some of that corn.

later amigos!
Lucy
ps.. i am very proud of myself for getting that much of my lawn done. it was very hard to do but i did it.

She is there so now I can focus!

Caroline arrived in Virginia at 2:20am. Now I can rest and focus on what needs to be done... like eating right.
Breakfast: egg white, onion, green pepper, wasa cracker and a smidge of lite butter.
I'm started and ready for the day......

Getting started!!!!

Refrigerator before the cleanup:

Totally full of crap I don't need. Baked beans, chip dip, mac and cheese, chocolate cake....etc etc...

Not a good plan if I want to do this right!!!

GET RID OF IT!!!

Refrigerator AFTER the cleanup!!! Fruit and veggies all cut up and READY TO USE! Much easier and NO EXCUSES for me!!!!!

Watermelon, green peppers, grapes, onions, cucumbers, water, egg whites, etc. NO BREAD!

THE TRASH I threw out is below!!!


I feel a little wasteful but I'd rather "waste" it there than on my "waist"!







So here I go. Trying one last time to get healthy and do this right!!! Please God, be with me because I am going to need you now more then ever!!!!!!!

and she has left for Virginia

I'd like to kick this weight loss in the butt. Surprise everyone when I see them again. I won't be able to fool Vanessa cuz she will be here but the other two I could surprise if I tried hard enough~
My goal is to lose 50 pounds by Mindy's wedding. That is doable. I would like to lose more but I must keep myself in a reality check and do what I know I can do.
today when I get home from teaching I will throw out all the crap food and add the good stuff to my friddge. No more excuses because I am all alone now. No one to blame but me.
I miss caroline terribly already. I didn't want her to go but I have to let her spread her wings and fly. she will be home in a year. I miss you boo!!!!!

Tuesday....

Been thinking about my friend Becky. She is dying of cancer. She is slipping fast. My heart goes out to her.... She is going through so much right now ...more then I am for sure. I wish I had her strength. She told another friend of mine that she thinks she is dying now. She has even called Hospice. Sharon said she is laying on the couch drenched in sweat. The trailor she is in does not have AC and it was extremely hot yesterday. I pray. that is all I have to offer but prayer is powerful. I know it won't save her but hopefully it will help opent he gates of Heaven for her. Been thinking a lot about friends who have passed. Steve Rapier. Super guy. super dad. super teacher.... he died all because a mosquito bit him? what are the odds? God works in mysterious ways and maybe he is just collecting those that he truly wants by his side right now.... or maybe they needed Him right now? Julie. Another friend who has passed. In perfect health...ran every day and boom...died of an anurism. Life is too short.

Today is another day. Let all my failings from yesterday be just that....in the past and please guide me to be a better mother, nana, sister, friend, and teacher today. I love my family and I am placing my complete faith in You, God. Be with us all and guide us today. :)
Lucy

FAIL!

It has been quite some time since I was on here...and I can tell you why. I've been sitting holed up in my house feeling sorry for myself. Caroline put it to me straight though... she said... "Mom, you need to stop blaming everyone else for your weight problem." At first I was like... NO I don't.... but after calming down...and rereading my posts... she is right! I've blamed everyone from my kids to my job...to Toby! Good GRIEF! Grow up Lucy and take responsibility for your own life!!!!
New set of goals and rules:
1. Put God first and make time every day to pray. He is the One who will guide me in the right direction.
2. Let my children grow up. Stop hovering. Let them live their lives as they should be doing and stop begrudging them the amazement in the world that is out there for them to explore. Let them spread their wings and really fly and have faith that I instilled in them some of the good that mom and dad instilled in me.
3. EAT breakfast and log every morning. WEIGH in daily so that not one single ounce can creep up on me.
4. NO EXCUSES to pig out. for instance... well the kids are back so I'll just eat. ummm NO! THEY do NOT have weight problems.... I DO!
5. Drink water and cut the soda back out of my life.
6. STOP sneaking eating and then pretending you haven't done it. CHEATER!
7. Get happy again.
8. It WILL come off once I do all of these things... oh yes, and journal every day the food I eat in my journal.

THERE. this can be done. I'm right back where I started which is sad. I'm fat, miserable, and no one to blame but me. Here we go again... (I'm soooo sick of that song) lol

I can do this with the Grace of God's guidance.
Lucy

Worst day ever

Had one of the worst days ever yesterday. Caroline and I were in a huge fight. I don't even know where it began but it ended with her telling me she hopes she is never a mom like me and she didn't talk to me the rest of the day. what did i do? i ate.. and ate and ate and ate. I'm up 2 pounds today now. who do I blame? me.
I wish I could express myself better.. I say things and they come out all wrong and it hurts people. I was trying to explain to caroloine how she wraps herself up in her boyfriends and then winds up not having friends..what came out was.. you have no friends. nice moml...real nice. i don't think i'd want a mom like me either.l I mean really... i'm divorced because my ex cheated on me. my kids don't answer my phone calls. i'm reallly all alone and it hurts. i lash out because i'm scared but how do i tell my children that? i latch on and annoy the hell out of them when they do let me in. I live to see jaci .. i live for a quick movie with my girls so i can look over at them and see they are actually enjoying being with me for once. i want them to be happy......but i also want that for myself as well. i'm sad, lonely and very afraid. i'm supposed to be the one they can come to but how can i be if i'm not the person i want to be for them? i need to work on me... not just my weight but my fears, my lonliness, my sadness, and my communication with them. i love them so much it hurts.
God, please help me through this day. I think I will need it desperately.
Lucy

Day two with my new journal...

So far so good! haha it' only been a day! buttttt I amwriting everything down! I even wrote down a dum dum sucker I popped into my mouth. I gave it a whole point.
so frustrated... I was working on an IEP and lost connection which means, I lost my IEP. UGH! WHY!!!???!!!! I wanted to go to the TMP Play today and now I won't get to. NOT FAIR!

a 5th grade teacher wants me to take one of her students today and make him read while they are at the play.. ummmm NO! I'm NOT a babysitter and that isn't for my class. I don't want my room to known as the bad room. That's not fair to me. So I'm sorry but no.

Well... I have lunch planned out and written down so it's all good for now. Keep the faith!!!!
Lucy

It's HERE! My new WW month journal is here!!!

I got it in the mail last night! I'm so excited. I was going to wait until Monday to start but why?? I started today! Just makes me feel like I am DOING something. It's got a week's goals.... daily food log.. daily exercise log.... etc. I love it! I'm going to carry it with me always so I have to write down every little morsel I put in my mouth!!! everthing counts!!!! I so want to lose weight. I just really do. I need to will power and stamina to do it. Today after school I will pick up some groceries. :)

I just found out that former student of mine, Kenny Casida, took his life yesterday. How sad. He was always a nice young man who just wanted to be accepted. He was a little overweight and I think that hung over his head. I don't want to wind up like Kenny. Not wanting to live because of the way I look. I don't know if that was his case or not, but I'm sure it had a little to do with it. My heart and prayers go out to him.

on a good note.... my FENCE is UP and it looks fantastic!!!!!!! can't WAIT for Jaci to see it!
Lucy

Down a pound...

Down a pound since Monday. I need to be down wayyyy more and I need to stay focused!! I don't want to wear a TENT for my daughter's big day and I surely do not want her to be totally embarrassed of me!!! I need to kick this in the butt!!!!
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There is my butt kickin! haha ohhhh looks like I evenmight have acccidentally created someone's website but i wouldn't click on it if i were you! it was by accident but i think it's funny!

Beautiful day outside. STAY FOCUSED!
Lucy

too long

It has been too long since I wrote on here. We all know what that means... it means I have fallen off the wagon. I can feel the weight creeping back on me like a fast growing tumor. I hate the feeling. I can no longer sleep at night. I toss and turn. My hands fall asleep again... my knees hurt 3x as much as before and I fall asleep easily. Yes, I have fallen and fallen hard.
Today I bid on, and won, a 3 month WW journal. I hope to get it in the mail by Friday. I want to be healthy and WW worked for me befoer but I was attending meetings then. I cannot do that now because I teach GED on Monday nights. Plus I cannot afford it.
Yesterday I ate a salad over at Vanessa's. It was the BEST salad ever. I forgot how much I do love salads!!! I need to have one a day I think!!! I brought a Lean meal today for lunch. The salt isn't the greatest for me but at least it is portion controlled. Until I can learn to control myslef, I will be forced to eat premade.. preportioned meals. :/
well.. no news on the school front yet. I am still hoping and praying for a full time job. It's starting to scare me because it's already May and no news. .. ..
It is beautiful outside so I'm adjusting my attitude to go right along with this wonderful day!
bin Laden is dead... I'm happy and frightened all at once. God, Please watch over us!!!
Lucy

WEDNESDAY

Hump Day! Breakfast: egg whites Lunch: Wrap (turkey, cheese, onion, lettuce) Supper: not for sure because I teach tonight. Maybe second half of wrap if I don't eat it all at noon? I need to get going with this! I feel fat again and I do not like that feeling! Time to shake this weight off!! You can do it! FEEL it, and BELIEVE it! God is Good!!! Lucy

Ladies Fair at the Barage

Last night was our annual ladies fair at the barage. the barage is my friend Yak's garage that has been converted into a garage. We had to wear wigs this year and it was so much fun. I didn't over drink but i did over eat! it is like a fly to shit. eat eat eat. i didn't wake up with a hangover but i woke up feeling queezy from all the food. seriously... waking up with a food hangover????? i'm a PIG. i'm ashamed of myself. i had a good time but when everyone else was up dancing.. i felt uncomfortable because of my weight. i was by far the fattest person there. dava, another friend, was talking to me about WW. she has joined and loves the new program. i think i should start counting points again. i also need to watch my salt intake. my feet are huge. i think today is a good day to begin since i'm up and all. i may have to make a trip to hays for some HEALTHY groceries. heck maybe i'll do that now. \ how many weeks ago did i post my 20 pounds gone? and no more pictujre posts???? i need to get my butt back on track. today is a good day to do that. oh..and a girl from ellis high school who i hardly know sat with me last night. she was like.. my brother always liked you. (he is one of the boys i call my son) she was so nice to me and invited me over to her house ...and even said she walks by my house and asked if i'd like to go walking with her. it's kind of strange but i see the signs. first dava asking me about WW. then cristy asking me to walk..... my friends are NOt SABATOGERS.... they are my salvation and guide to losing weight. they WANT me to succeed. i have a new outlook today. a healthy, happy one. I am Blessed.

still no mojo...

Yesterday was the anniversary of losing my mom 2 years ago. I know that is why I've been in a slump and over eating. Subconscously it was eating at me and stressing me out. I miss her. I need to cut back on salt. My poor feet are swollen. They ache constantly and hardly fit into my shoes. No more pistacchio's for a long while for me. Please God, guide me and give me strength to do this.

. . . .,, . . .

yes, SOS. I need some help. I have lost my motivation and some weight is creeping back on me. This is NOT acceptable. Today... back on track100%. I know it is because I have broken my promise to not eat out anymore... well that ends again today. Sure, it is okay to eat out for a special occassion, but NOT because I'm too lazy to pack my lunch. I looked at recumbent bikes yesterday. and treadmills. I'm afraid the treadmill will not hold my weight and won't get used. I think i would like the recumbent bike. I did at the center anyway! I need to do some sort of MOVING. today.... back to writing in here and finding my MOJO! Wish me luck! I think I may need it now! Lucy

Been a while!

Wow! been a while since i've written.... i'll try to catch you up! Went to Wichita and had a wonderful time with my girls. I loved every second of it and they were gorgeous trying on dresses! and Mindy...... oh WOW! She looked amazing in her dress. When she walked out, I knew it was the one!!! Simply gorgeous!!! We had fun just hanging out. ATE WAY TOO MUCH and wound up GAINING 2 pounds!!!! NOT GOOD. I'm back on track though.... I have noticed that I'm eating out again! WHAT? When did I start that??? I need to STOP again before I gain all my weight back! I made my famous pot pies and brought one to work today. They are so darn yummy! Can hardly wait until noon! haha I only brought one instead of two like I usually do because Vanessa said something yesterday that kind of 'clicked' in my head. She said..."Why would people order 3 tacos and not just one? I bet back when, they only ate one and that is why they were thinner". SMART GIRL... why do we think we need to eat so darn much? When I buy the WW meals there is only one small helping yet when I make my own.. I give myself a much bigger helping. WHY? I will be more concious of that from now on. I need to remember to drink my water. I've been laxing on that and that is not good. I feel better when I drink the water. REMEMBER LUCY!!! Easter is fast approaching and that means one thing...the dreaded cadburry egg. ugh. I'm drawn to them like a fly to poop. hahah... I will most definitely try to refrain. :/ also fast approaching is April 6th. I dislike this day as much as I dislike February 16th. It will be two years on the 6th that I lost my mom. I miss her terribly every day but I know she and dad are both watching over me from an even better place. I feel them. It's a good feeling but I sure wish I could touch her and tell her I love her one more time. I miss that crazy little lady...

1.4 more!

I weighed in again on Thursday last week. I was a little hesitant because I had just weighed in on Monday and had lost 4 pounds, BUT when I weighed in again I had lost another 1.4!!! YAY

Now for the bad news.... I am so stressed at home that I even have a fever blister now! It looks like a huge THING on my lip. Hurts sooo bad. I am stressed not due to Toby or Caroline but because I feel that my life is spinning out of control. The State took my income taxes for a 'scholarship' that I didn't even receive! Now they say I owe them almost 5ooo more! If I don't start paying on THAT then they will get it deducted from my wages at school and how embarrassing would that be for me???? I need to call them. My little nest egg in the bank is dwindling FAST. We go to Wichita on Monday but I have to board my dogs and get a motel for two nights. Plus gas, eating..... etc. I need a 3rd job!!! BUT on the bright side... I do get to see my beautiful daughter try on the gown of her dreams! I cannot wait. I've been waiting for this day since the day I first held her in my arms!!!! Hopefully my mammoth THING on my lip will be gone by then!!!
Busy day here at school today so I better get a crackin!!!!
Stay strong!!!

a couple of things before bed....

First of all...... I DID IT! I made it the entire day FASTING! I did not put one little morsel of food near my mouth today! This has really got me thinking.... I can feel the pain in my stomache.... how must those little kids feel every day of their lives (the ones with no food, shelter, etc) My heart breaks for them!!! and...how did Jesus go for 40 days with no food? I am more in awe of Him then ever now. What He gave up for us!

2nd... Here is a pic of adorable Caroline modeling my wedding dress!! Still can't believe I was ever close to her size! ...and...hopefully one day I will figure out how to add pictures on here in the RIGHT spot! haha

3rdly.... I love my life. I love my girls. I am so Blessed to have them in my life! I look at them sometimes and my heart grows like the Grinch's! I love them so much! and Jaci...well she is the cherry on the icing on top of the cake!!! I love my job! Teaching means everything to me! Tonight I watched as my GED students started to light up when they figured out that they were SUCCEEDING! I hope a lot of them pass!

Now I'm off to bed before I stick something in my mouth and blow my FAST! God is Good!!!

The Lenten Season

Today is a day of Fast. I don't think, in the past, that I have ever truly fasted. I was reading about fasting....it makes so much sense! One one eats or gorges then they feel sluggish and their mind is not alert...but when one fasts...their mind becomes clearer...more keen to the senses. I want to fast today so that my mind becomes clear and I remember the REAL reason for this lenten season. It is all about our God and his goodness. I want to take this day, especially, to thank him for all that He has given to me. THANK YOU GOD FOR MY LIFE, MY FAMILY, AND ALL THE GOOD IN MY LIFE!
I am going to Ash Wednesday with Vanessa and Jaci. I was so happy she asked and that she found a time that would work for me! Having 2 jobs kind of cuts into my time pretty bad!! Caroline is going at 7 here in Ellis and Mindy said she is going to the Wesley chapel!!! THANK YOU MOM FOR GUIDING MY GIRLS BACK TO GOD! I know you had something to do with this!!!
Ya know...lent is a time of penance. My mom passed away during the Holy Week...so I wonder how much penance she did her last few weeks of life. I think she was in more pain then any of us realize. I keep thinking of the day I went over and she was laying half across her little bed. so uncomfortable. She looked so childlike laying there. so helpless. I remember when I pulled her back into place in bed how she said "you girls are so good to me". Mom.... if you only knew how i WISH i could change some of the things I did to you and dad. I know I was a kid but I think of those things daily and pray for your forgiveness! I love you and miss you and dad so much!!! I am dedicating this lenten season to you both....and to my girls. I haven't decided what to give up yet, but I will decide by this evening.
Diet looking decent... STAY STRONG!
Lucy

4.4 pounds down!

Well, so my scale at home is a bit off....and I'm not QUITE in the next weight bracket....but only .6 more to go and I am!!! I feel good. I feel better about myself. But then I catch a glimpse of me in a mirror and I'm still mortified!!! But then I think.... wow... I was over 20 pounds more back then... GAG!!! haha So, baby steps. I need to learn to love me again. :)
Caroline tried on my wedding dress last night. Funny how we think they are the most beautiful dress ever when we are married and then 20 years later..... not so pretty! haha It's hard to believe I was once Caroline's size!! WOW! Of course, she had spare room in the dress... but at least I was close to her weight at one time! lol I'll post pics later.
I should get back to writing this IEP. I may have a snow day tomorrow and that would REALLY put me behind!!!
Later! My lean cuisine spaghetti just dinged!!! ha

YESSsssSSSSsssSSSS!

Woke up this morning a hopped on the scale! I'm in the next lower WEIGHT BRACKET as I call it!!! wooohoooooooo This is just the ammunication and motivation I needed to not give up!!!! I know my scale at home isn't always exact so I know tomorrow when I really weigh in it may be two pounds off again but I hope not! and even if it is 2 pounds off..that still means I LOST!!! I feel like I've been at such a stupid standstill... I want MOVEMENT! I think eating the cereal has helped!!! Good idea Vanessa!!!
I have church today. I will make sure and thank God for this little movement and my happiness!!! He is Good!!!! Wish Boo would come with me but I want her to WANT to go to Church. Forcing someone is not what church is about. I'm so glad Vanessa and Jaci are going!!! I know mymom is smiling!!!! I don't know if I'll ever get Mindy back. I pray I do!
Gonna surprise boo and write her stinking paper. She puts things off...I shoulda helped her last night but after 2 1/2 hours doing my taxes, I was wiped out. ugh. But if i did them correctly, I will see a return! :)
so YAY me for today! It is going to be an awesome day!

ps. Caroline got me some new tanning lotion! I'm going to try it today!! yippee!!!!!!

Saturday Morning Post

The dogs are not on weekend time and decided to get up at 6:15 as usual so I decided to get a start on my day as well.
Hopped on the scale this morning with high hopes only to be let down. No movement. :*( There will be NO CHEATING today. I did well yesterday....but I did have a mixie with Vanessa but I'm sure that it was the cookies I snarfed when I got home. 5 of them to be exact! WHAT? WHY did I do that? I know why. I argued with Caroline and then felt bad so.....I ate. Good thing I had one drink in me and got tired fast cuz otherwise who knows what else I would have eaten!!!
Today I have lots on my plate:
1. eat breakfast (my usual egg whites)
2. wash my bedding
3. clean up my room
4. laundry in general
5. clean up dining room
6. watch some tv
7. cook up some chicken for quasadilla's tonight
8. lunch will be cereal
9. popcorn as a snack
10. drink lots of water
11. try to exercise in some way
12. stay positive

I have to remember my reason for wanting this. those reasons are: Mindy, Vanessa, Caroline, and Jaci. I want them to be proud of me. I have to say ....when I was at the bar with Vanessa last night she introduced me to some people as her mom. She didn't bat an eye. Maybe they aren't embarrassed of me, but I always thought they were! Why would I think that? I have wonderful girls and last night Vanessa proved that. I had so much fun with her. I want to do that again!! I loved her friend Junior! I can see why she is so happy now,... she is lit up again like she used to be! I love it.
I'm sad because I don't get to go to Wichita because my spring break is different then the girls'. BOO I was really looking forward to that! Mindy will be crushed. I just want to see her! I miss her terribly!!!
and Boo..... man we are arguing and I don't like that! It's all because of her stupid dog and her messes. She doesn't understgand that the furniture I have is what I will have for quite a while and she continues to destroy it with fingernail polish and bumping it with her computer which chips the wood.. so i yell. Maybe the real reason I am yelling is because she has decided to move to Virginia with her boyfriend and I am sad because I am losing my baby. I don't want her to go and I don't think it's a good move but I can't make her stay or I will lose her anyway. God give me strength!
Welp... I need to start doing something! Maybe even catch a little nap this morning too! Please let me see a loss this week!! I need some motivation!!!!

Oh Good Grief! I can't take Toby ANY MORE!

Oh Gosh! I got home today with good intentions on sticking to my diet...but then Toby and the house happened....

I get home and take the pugs out. since it was nice I thought I'd take Toby out too. What does he do? JUMPS off the porch and runs out into the street where he proceeds to bark and bark and bark at my neighbors.... meanwhile I run out there cuz i don't want him to get run over and here comes a car. The car sees me....not toby ..and stops... I try and try and try to get that little shit but he just keeps running in c ircles and finally under the car in the street. needless to say i looked like a deuce and no one helped me get him....took forever and i was fuming when i finally caught the little shit. I bring him and the pugs in and what does he do? walks over ..lifts his leg...and pees all over a dog toy. DAMN! and...then i see the house. my computer is on the living room table which i asked not be there because it scratches my table... but Caroline doesn't listen. 6 lights were left on..probably more if i look upstairs. the HEAT was on and it is friggin hot in here now (it's warm out today) and the spare room is a huge mess...the laundry room is a huge mess... my living and dining room are a huge mess..... towels all over the floor and yep, you guessed it....toby has peed on them.... drawes and cabinet doors open.. I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!! How do I make her undersgtand that by her not followig my rules and cleaning up after herself she is really going to sabatoge my diet because I WILL stress out and eat. and I truly HATE Toby now. ugh.
God, please give me strength!

New Day

Woke up this morning and tried to think of any reason to not work today. Almost called in sick. I'm so darn tired! having to teach til 10 pm and getting home late is taking its toll on me. ah! I wish USD 489 would pay me teacher salary so I wouldn't have to do this any longer!!! I will keep praying for that!!
So yesterday I was hanging at Vanessa's house and told her of my frustrations on the scale not moving.... she told me that I should try eating cereal for a change of pace... so I think today I will go over to her house and have some if she doesn't mind! I think it sounds like a great idea!!! Ill give it a try!!!
welp... i better get in the shower before I'm late for work! That would not be good!!! ha
KeeP strong Lucy!!!! You have to have the mindset and the faith to be successful!!!!! I can do it!!!

Will I ever....

be this girl again? I can't remember when I felt invincible.... I just want to be able to get up in the morning pain free. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed I hurt so badly.... I am tired of walking like I'm 85. Will the rest of my life be this painful? If so, I really can't take it. Just walking feels like my knees are going to collapse. I can feel the bones rubbing and it is so very painful! why did my life turn out like this? Maybe I deserve it. I don't know.
Anyway..... I'm keeping to my diet. Plugging away. I hope, I pray, I see a bigger weight loss. The scale is not moving and I'm becoming frustrated and this is when I give up. I can't give up. Too much is at stake. Please give me the strength I need to finish this long, hard journey!

Weekly Weigh In Post

Down .5 pounds. I was wishing for 5...but at least the .5 is in the right direction ! I need to bump it up and work harder. Yes, I may even have to break down and do the 'E" word!! ahhh! Yes, i said it! EXERCISE. I need to do it. I will break out my Richard Simons and see how much I can do. If it gets a little warmer out...I will try walking the track. one time a round at first and work upto a mile. :)
I CAN do this! I want to lost 5-6 pounds this week to put me in a new group of digits!!! oh yeah that would be GRAND!!! Let's see what I can do!!!!

Just a blog

I have a lot of tension in my life at the moment and I fear it will sabatoge my efforts at losing weight so I thought it best if maybe I blogged to get some of it out of my system. Caroline has moved home which I LOVE. I can deal with her messes but I cannot deal with her little dog Toby. He is adorable but he pees everywhere and this is stressing me out. The other day he ran under my car and stayed there for 10 minutes while i pleaded with him to come out. I didn't want him to get run over. I was outside, no makeup, no bra, no shoes. by the time I got back in the house I was so tense that I ate chips. (baked chips but still....) I could feel my heart racing. When I get frustrated, I eat. It's my comfort. I think toby may be a sabotager.
Secondly, my para is way overstepping. Last friday, when I had a sub for ME, my PARA let MY SUB go at noon. WHAT????? what message is THAT sending to Mark???? Also, she spent the rest of the afternoon digging in my desk drawers. I am so upset. Good thing I have nothing to eat at school because I sure felt a food fest coming on!!!! AH!
other then that, I think I'm doing good this week. I just wish Caroline could see that Toby is not happy here and we are not happy with Toby here. the little guy deserves someone who is with him a lot more then we are.
well..... we'll see how I do today foodwise!
STAY STRONG Lucy!

oh...and idol kicked my kid with the long hair off. boo.

Lost 2 pounds this week!

My scale at home said I lost 4 1/2 and I weighed in just prior to the actual weigh in.. so I guess I now know that my home scale is off by 2 1/2 pounds... bummer! BUT i DID lose 2 pounds so that is a positive. I will focus and try much harder for next week!!!! I'm going to LOSE!!! Go Lucy Go! haha

I've seen a change in the scale....

and it was a good one! Now if I can MAINTAIN that until Monday's Weigh in!!!!! I've got to see a loss...I've just got to!!!

Crazy, mixed up week

Crazy week.... Valentine's day... I don't really enjoy it. I remember the last Valentine's Day I was married. I remember seeing (cuz I went hunting!) one of those big balloons with gifts inside hidden in a closet and I was really excited because I saw what was inside!!! I waited all day at school... ready to come home and be 'surprised!' My surprise was a card and my husband at the time saying... "sorry, i just got called and have to go to wichita to work". I gave him his gift and he gave me a quick hug. As he was about to drive off.. I ran out to the car and gave him $100 bill. I told him that since he wouldn't be home for me to fix him the supper I had planned that I wanted him to have a wonderful valentine's day dinner and not just eat fast food. Then he drove off. I could see "my balloon" in the back of the station wagon. I cried as he drove off.
Wow... this is the first time I've ever talked about this. That day broke me.
Then I had to relive the morning my father passed away. I wanted to just wake up normally and deal with it my way, but my sister texted me at 5:30 AM to remind me! Let me just say that a text at that time in the morning made my heart race just as the day I got the actual phone call. I wish she wouldn't have done that. It was a tough day.
Next, Caroline moved home. I'm happy to have the company!!!! BUT I don't want Vanessa to be upset with me for allowing her to move home. I don't think she will be .... I'm not choosing sides. I'm just going to be their "mother' and love them both. :)
well... I better get going to school or I'll be LATE!!! maybe tonight I will get some much needed housework done!!!
Stay focused Lucy!!! Lose Lose Lose!!!!!!

20 pounds picture.....

Here I am with 20 pounds gone.....you be the judge....

Guess I better shake things up and get some more off me cuz i'm not seeing a big change!! YIKES!!! next picture... in 10 pounds.........

.....to be continued.

Movement....the WRONG WAY!

First of all...Happy Valentine's Day!
now... I weighed in and GAINED a pound! ugh! Lucy, Lucy, Lucy!!! What are you doing? Get your head BACK in the GAME!! .. nuff said. Next week I will see a loss!!!

OMG! Vanessa sent an APE to school today for me for valentine's day! HILARIOUS! He acted just like an ape and gave me a goody bad with HOT STUFF on it! haha.. the little monkey in the bag was adorable as well! The candy... well I will give it to Jaci!!! :) Made my day AND the kid's at school too! They loved it! Wish I would have had a camera!!!

Have GED tonight. Time to get back on track with everything. I don't need any more snow days! I know they were the death of my diet but I really need to learn how to diet when I'm at home as well!!! Practice!!! I can and WILL do this!!!!

For my GIRLS!!!! always and forever I love you!!!
Mom

NO movement....

I didn't lose a pound this week! Ugh! I want to scream!!! However, I did eat at subway twice this week....once with Vanessa and once with my sister Virgi....maybe that was the difference???Well, in any case... I must proceed ahead. Like Caroline said...don't give up!!! I won't!!! I want to see some movement this week!!!! I will try hard and stay focused!!! GO ME!!!!

ps. another snow day. NOT GOOD for me because I tend to cheat while I'm at home. Oh, I don't buy any snacks and things but I can always seem to find SOMETHING to eat... like spoonfuls of peanutbutter! WHAT?? Stop it Lucy!!!! grrrrrrr

Give me strength today Lord....I will need it!!! Back to school tomorrow hopefully!!!!

the dreaded week....

Yes, the dreaded week of the scale not moving has arrived. It is bumming me out but that is okay because I know I will have weeks like this and I know that means I need to step it up, work harder and lose more next week! Weigh in is tomorrow. yes I will go, but I won't be happy to see no loss or possibly even a pound gain. That will make me sad ....but more determined. I can and will do this! I feel sooooo much better already with 20 pounds gone. What will I feel like with 30 gone???? we shall see! yes we shall!
Today is a beautiful morning. Took the pugs and Toby out to potty. My grey cat was curled up on the front porch. Poor little thing has a hurt leg but he won't let me come near him. (he's a wild cat but I feed him). Got my egg whites eaten and now I'm going to go jump in the shower and get ready for church. I have so much to be thankful for ... the is absolutely NO REASON I cannot spend one hour a week in God's house letting him know how much I appreciate all He has done for me!
God is Good!

FRIDAY...... ...

Ok, so it is Friday and I'm a happy camper because tonight after school, I get to pick up Jaci for a sleepover at Nana's!!! I'm taking her out for a 'taco' because I promised...but none for me!!! I don't really have anything planned but maybe we will play a game and do some play dough together....then get blankets, jammies, and cuddle up under them on the couch and watch a movie together! I love these times with her. I take it all in.... the way she looks, the way she smells, just everything. .. I know it seems weird, but I want to remember everything just in case that one dreaded day comes when she says to her mom "I don't want to go to Nana's....she is old!" I know it will come, it always does...so for now, I'm soaking it ALL IN!!! :)
As for my weight.... the scale is not being cooperative this week. NOT BUDGING at all!!! I'll drink more water today to see if that helps at all.. hope so! I want to see another loss but if not, I will plug ahead and keep it up. .. NO FAILING this time around!
I better get to work on the IEP I have coming up next week...... so ..... Head up high.....this is going to be a GREAT DAY!

Pound Plunge Progress!

Okay, so I'm super duper excited because they just updated the pound plunge website and I am now number 55 out of 854 people!!! That means that I am ahead of almost 800 people!! My total body fat gone is 5.88%! Now I HAVE to keep it up!!! I WANT to be up there! I see the people from weeks one and two slowly, steadily falling. Makes me wonder if they truly were honest and didn't just go out and pork out the day of the first weigh in so they could lose a bunch on week one? I just want to keep going! I am so friggin happy right now that I want to jump up and down! haha
Well.... go team 1010!!!!! I'm finally starting to BELIEVE that I WILL do this!!!!!

6.4 more!!!

That makes a total for January of 19.9 pounds GONE!!! Heck ya! Just missed the 20 pound mark but hey, I'll take what I got!!! I feel good about myself! I'm working really hard and I'm not going to let anybody put me down or make me feel bad about my success!!! I DID it and I'm DANG PROUD of myself!!! Oh, I have plenty more to go...but one day at a time...stay focused with my eye on the prize!!! a nice beautiful DRESS for my baby girl's wedding!!!!! I want her to be as proud of me as I am of her!!!
I was super excited when my youngest, Caroline, texted me with a 'way to go mom!" It made my day that she was proud of me! She told me the other day that 'remember...you will have plateaus....just don't give up!' She's a smart one! I know she would like to see me healthier!!!! Who wants a 'fat mom'? I feel bad that my girls were labelled as the ones who had the 'fat mom'. I wonder how many times they were embarrassed of me? I guess I didn't think of it because I've always just been there for them whenever they need me... but ya, I bet there were times they probably wish I wasn't around! I will make amends for that by becoming who I should have been all along! I have now been fat for over half my life and it SUCKS and it's time for the change!!!!
Vanessa brought Jaci in to see me at work last night!!! I love love love that little girl and her mama so darn much! It truly made my day! That's why I'm doing this .... for my 3 beautiful daughters and Jaci Lane!
Keep going!!!!!

3rd WI tomorrow!

I'm hoping for a good number tomorrow! I worked really hard and stayed focused all week! I even brought treats to school for my kids and didn't taste even one! Took the rest over to my daughter's house for sweet little Jaci Lane! So far I'm down 11... so let's see if I can make it to 15!! that would be a good total for the month! we will see! THINK THIN THOUGHTS!
I can do it!!!

Psst... it's FRIDAY. Gotta get ready to FOCUS for the WEEKEND!

I don't remember if I posted on Monday or not, but I weighed in and lost 4.7 more pounds!! So I'm down 11 pounds! TOOT TOOT....ya, I'm tooting my own horn. However, most of my friends weigh in on Thursdays, which was yesterday, and they all GAINED this week so I'm a little worried about my Monday weigh in. I did get on the scale this morning and it said I am losing.. (won't say how much cuz it will probably jinx me) sooo... I'm hopeful for a loss on Monday!!!
I'm feeling better, feeling a bit healthier and that is a GREAT feeling. I WANT to continue losing. I'm so hoping that this time, I make it! I have to. I know I'll never be a size 3 again, but I'd take a 12! One day at a time! It's going to happen! I should have posted a 10 pound picture but I forgot... so I will post when I lose 20! :)
Keepin the faith!!!!!!

Going out and staying focused!

This is a picture of me and some of my friends (minus Deb) on my birthday. We had a BLAST but although I had a great time, I was so uncomfortable in my body. All my friends are thin. We went out again last night for Deb's birthday...I had a good time AND I only drank water!! They brought out some crackers, cheese, and ham and I didn't eat one! One thing I love about my friends is that they don't try to sabatoge AT ALL! Ya, they wanted me to drink but when I told them why I wasn't they didn't push the issue. When they brought out the snacks, they didn't offer me any and didn't make a scene about it. I love them so much! They want me to succeed as much as I want to! It felt good,and it feels even better to know I have their support.

Well, hopped on the scale this mornning and it looked decent but not gonna say anything until Monday's official weigh in! The weekend will be tough cuz I am home. Home is my comfort zone and I tend to cheat..... I really don't have any cheat food in the house but when you are fat and on a mission....well let's just say, you become creative in making unhealthy snacks.
so...Here is to the weekend! Bring it on! I will succeed and do well!!!!!
Stay Strong Lucy!!!!

ICE DAY!!

Oh yeah! Got to come home early due to ice! STUNK driving in it but I love a day off!!! woohooo
Just hope I can behave myself while at home. I have all the right tools and food... I can and WILL do this today!!! gotta go get my water!

Wednesday and feeeeeling GOOOOD!

Well, it is wednesday and the scale was kind to me this morning and showed a pound weight loss. Oh, I know I can't officially COUNT it until acctual weigh in, but it made me smile! I've noticed a change in me... yesterday I went over to my girls' apartment and I was able to walk the stairs fairly easily! Mind you, not like a normal person YET, but soon!! Definite plus!
I decided to write positives and negatives in a list that Ihave in my life so I can begin to weed out those negatives and focus just on the positive! Here is my list:

Positives:
My girls and Jaci Lane
My job
My home
My family (sisters and brother)

Negatives:
My weight
My attitude


Wow...... writing my attitude... ya, I would say that is a huge negative of mine! time to head to work! New day.....New beginning of something!!!
Life is grand!

First WI for Pound Plunge...

down 7 pounds!!! Nice number. Keep going Lucy! It's up to you!!!! How bad do you want to look good for the wedding???? DO IT!!!
Yay me!

Don't wan to get up today...

ugh...that GED class is going to kick my butt again. Not the class itself but having to work until 10 pm and then drive home and try to get some sleep. I feel sleep deprived. I'm soooo tired with a slight headache. Hope this isn't an indicaton of how the day is going to go!
On a side note, I weighed myself this morning and my scale says I'm down 5 pounds but that is a morning weigh in and that could change by tonight. I really expected to see a big number. I'm kinda let down but 5 is better then none right? I'll keep plugging away. sooner or later it HAS to start coming off right?? don't know if i'll weigh in tonight or just choose to do it on mondays when i'm in hays. probably mondays so it will keep me faithful over the weekend. well... off to get ready for work i go........

Wed...GED ... and other things...

I'm holding strong today. Had egg whites for breakfast... progresso soup, applesauce, and a bar for lunch... supper will be a frozen dinner ...
i have GED classes tonight so that will keep me from eating! yay! one good thing about teaching those... ha i'm not looking forward to the late nights but i need the money!!!
school is out in 3 minutes! yipee skippy! lol
well...this is all for now! keep the faith Lucy!!! You can do this!!!

Tuesday after the snow day....

The weekend was tougher then planned!!! I did fairly well, but not great. I did have a snoball and some chips and cheese/chili with Caroline. The salt kicked my butt. Today back on track. Need to get my water in though. it's tough sometimes at school to get it in like I should! I'll go refill in a second!!! lunch was progresso soup and some frozen grapes. man i love those! just like eating candy or little bits of H-E-A-V-E-N! love them!!!!
until tonight..... keep up the faith Lucy. You CAN do this!

ps. Mindy sent me the wedding dress she chose... Beautiful!!!!! I got to get this weight off so I look good too!!!!!

Sunday Morning

I am so hoping for a snow day tomorrow!!! No snow yet today. I did get all of the Christmas decorations from outside down this year. Yay me! I also put my lawn mower away finally! Go me again! haha It's nice and quiet in the house this morning. I like today because Caroline came and spent the night with me. It's nice knowing there is someone else in the house with me. Makes me happy. I get so lonely here by myself! Good thing I have the pugs I guess!!

That's my pugs. JoJo B and Miley. I love those dogs!!!!

I got to sit and just 'think' this morning. I really am Blessed. Let me show you..... well heck. I can't do this very well. The picture of my kids was supposed to be inserted right there but of course, it is above the pugs and won't move. ugh!!!!!!

well, now that this site has totally frustrated me this morning... i'm going to get off of it.

Here is to a good day..............................................

Saturday Morning before 8 am.....

Yes, I am UP. why? I don't know! I've never been one to be able to sleep in. Must be inherited from my parents!!!! They got up at the crack of dawn also!!
Today will be a hard day.... I do so much better when I'm at work then when I am at home. I'll have to try very very hard NOT to eat something I'm not supposed to. Here is my food plan for the day:
breakfast- egg whites
lunch- progresso soup and a salad
supper- frozen meal and a salad
snacks- popcorn, string cheese, and/or fruit
lots of water (which i am going to go get now!)

ps. I am loving the new color of my dining room!!! just have to get it finished! I think I'll look at curtains on line right now!!

crazy....

so with my new attitude, I came to work today and the first little girl in my classroom came in and stared at me and then said.."you look different today". I asked her a good different or a bad different and she said "good". I think it is all in the attitude. :)
Made my day. I do have the BEST job in the world....even when something isn't going right for me in my personal life, I get to come to school and the kids always make me happy!

oh..and note to self... turn down the little fridge in my room cuz my salad and shriveled down to 1/4 it's size and was frozen! haha so soup only for me today!!!!

Weigh In

well, there was no surprise there. the number I thought I would see, I did see. Not my finest moment, yet somehow I felt empowered by that number, .... like it was MY NUMBER and I COULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...AND ONLY I COULD. I don't know how to explain it, but instead of it making me feel sorry for myself, it motivated me. Oh, it wasn't pretty... but there it is.
Getting ready for work today. Decided i'm going to do my hair and makeup the best i can every day to keep me motivated to look nice. I'm going to have a good lunch today::
progresso chicken noodle soup and a small side salad.

Well, here we go and it is FFrrriiiddaaayyy! Yipee!

Pound Plunge Day 1 w/pics

Back View. and this is one of my new outfits that I thought I looked good in! HAHA Nope!

The ultimate side view. Not very attractive!!! Gonna work on that!

Happy me, because I thought I looked nice!!! WOW!!!

Just check out that Ursula belly!! No wonder little Jaci is confused!!! She is going to be so proud of her NANA!!!

Pound plunge begins tonight at 5pm. I weigh in then. Scared and embarrassed to weigh in because there are usually fit women and men who weigh us in. They are always nice, but I know they are probably thinking..."why would she let herself get that big?" I wonder that too.

anyway, today is the official beginning!!!! Let's see how well I can do!!!!

THE WITHDRAWALS!!! AHHHH

OMG! My head is POUNDING! It has to be from FOOD WITHDRAWAL! haha HAS TO BE! It hurts so friggin bad and I'm stuck here at school...like I can even focus on writing an IEP right now with my head banging away like this! BUT, on a good side note... I have 6 glasses of water in and my soup was terrific! But I do believe my brain thinks I am starving it so my head hurts. only 25 more minutes and then I can go get my paint for my dining room!!!! It is going to look so lovely!!! Can't WAIT!

Back to School

Well, I decided that I cannot wait until tomorrow to start.... so I'm doing it today. Seemed like a great plan since I'm headed back to school and my routine starts again. I have my egg whites in this morning and a shot of lemon juice. Meds are IN. Need to drink a couple of glasses of water before I leave though. Taking soup today. Here I go.........

Biggest Loser

Yeah, I watch the show. I watch it and EAT. Do I seriously think that will HELP me? NO. I have ONE MORE day before official Weigh In for Pound Plunge. Then, no excuses. I'm ready. I CAN DO THIS. I have 2 angels up in Heaven pulling for me so I KNOW this time I will succeed. I know I won't be thin like I once was.... but I just want to be a healthy weight and be able to walk places and DO things instead of being a spectator all of the time.
Today I went with my daughter Vanessa and my granddaughter to the mall... Vanessa wanted to walk around and look at shoes for Jaci, but nope... I could not do it. I HURT so bad. and the big kicker was that I had only been 'standing' for maybe 5 minutes. AH! I felt like a loser walking out of the mall with no new shoes for that precious baby girl. I want to be Hays' BIGGEST LOSER this year sooooo bad. I'm going to give it my all.
better go 'watch' biggest loser. no food in my hand this time though!

Here it is.... the dreaded pictures

NO WORDS ARE NECESSARY. :*(